Rethinking Discipline

Erik and I talk a lot about how we love Abby so incredibly much that it's going to be hard to discipline her when the day comes. We don't plan to use physical violence—spanking, hitting, slapping—in any way. But I'm not a huge fan of timeouts either. I can't see myself using timeouts on a regular basis, although I could see using them for certain situations.

I wasn't confident in my instincts about timeouts until I starting reading Playful Parenting. Here's a small part of what the child psychologist author has to say on timeouts:

Timeouts were supposed to be a humane alternative to whacking children, but they have somehow become the ultimate "positive parenting" tool. The main problem with timeouts is that they reinforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected.

Also:

I see most "misbehavior" as really just a matter of disconnection. Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection...Reconnecting might require a hug, some quiet time together, wrestling or running around outside, a snack, or a talk. For more serious disruptions, I recommend what I call the meeting on the couch. Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness. Meetings on the couch build connection and empower children. At the same time, they give us an effective way to provide real discipline: the teaching of our values and principles.

These ideas ring true to me—they feel right in my heart. But even after rereading the words now, I have this knee-jerk reaction to thinking about discipline in this way, and flashes of Supernanny invade my brain. It's hard to ignore the most prevalent form of discipline you see in the media and from fellow parents.

So this morning when I ran across an article about discipline tactics that are most effective, I was reminded of Playful Parenting. A quote from the article:

After all, it's not supposed to be about payback, though that's often what's going on, says Jamila Reid, codirector of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington. The clinic's "The Incredible Years" program has been found in seven studies to improve children's behavior. "Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word discipline means 'teach.' It's something to teach a child that there's a better way to respond."

It'll be a while yet before we can put those tactics to the test ourselves, so I'm curious to hear from other parents about this topic. What are your thoughts on discipline? Have you tried tactics like those in the article? What has worked, and what hasn't?