Should I Be Worried?

My daughter has invented this game. It's called "Bellybutton Water."

If she catches sight of your bellybutton, she'll cup her hand to it to collect what is apparently a gush of water flowing from the bellybutton. Then she brings her hand to her mouth, and down the hatch the Bellybutton Water goes. And, of course, she sighs to express that her thirst has been quenched.

I didn't teach this to her. Erik swears he didn't either. This all came from her head.

I am a little bit concerned.

Photo by another sergio.

12 Tips for Coping with Your Baby's Night Wakings

This Sleepless Quagmire series has probably been a little high on the pontification scale. So let's get practical.

No matter if your baby has been sleeping five uninterrupted hours a night and then some, or if she is a finicky sleeper, I've gathered some tips to help you cope with those sleepless nights caused by teething or growth spurts. All of these tips come from real parents who have used them and had success using them. Every baby is different, so your mileage will vary. But just keep trying new stuff. What doesn't work one week might be perfect the next.

Thanks to Ask Moxie for providing a forum for parents to share resources like this. While putting together this list, I read close to a thousand comments from parents on that site. And thank you, parents, for sharing your experiences!

If you have a trick that's worked for you, please chime in with a comment so others will benefit from your experience. We need all the help we can get.

If You Suspect Teething

Since you can't medicate your child 24 hours a day for the duration of every teething episode, here are some other ideas for helping ease the pain—for both of you.

1. Freeze a washcloth or two. Get some small terry washcloths, drench them in water, squeeze out the excess, and throw them in the freezer. When your baby is in pain, take out a washcloth, run it under water for a second to loosen it up just a bit, and let baby chew on it. It could be just enough to dull the pain so she can fall back asleep.

2. Try a popsicle before bed. No, not a sticky, sickly sweet popsicle you buy in the store. All that sugar before bed isn't going to help the situation. Chamomile tea can aid the healing process, cause drowsiness, and ease irritability. So brew up a batch and freeze it into popsicles. You can find popsicle sticks at the grocery store, as well as an ice cube tray if you don't have one. Remember that you're going for small enough to fit in baby's mouth.

One note on chamomile tea: It's rare, but some people are allergic to chamomile. So try a small amount the first time, just to be on the safe side. And if baby is very young, they shouldn't be getting much water so this probably isn't the best tip for a young baby.

3. Go homeopathic. Hyland's teething tablets have been a godsend for us. An urban legend that these tablets aren't safe has caused some concern, but they are completely safe. Hyland's also makes a gel that works great too.

4. Whisper sweet nothings. After baby falls asleep (be sure!), lean down so your mouth is close to baby's ear. In the quietest whisper you can manage, repeat after me: "Poke through tonight, tooth. Because when the time comes, I can't promise you won't go mysteriously missing before you ever see the twinkle of the Tooth Fairy's wand."

Tips Good in Any Situation

Assuming you already have a regular, calming bedtime routine and a comfortable sleep environment for your baby, here are some other tips to help you get your baby ready for a good night's sleep and to cope with her waking up in the middle of the night.

Before Bed

5. Strike a pose. Certain yoga poses can help baby relax and help her feel sleepy. If she's not old enough to pose her own body, baby yoga books have suggestions for how you can help her. A few titles you can try:

• Sleepy Little Yoga: A Toddler's Sleepy Book of Yoga


• Itsy Bitsy Yoga: Poses to Help Your Baby Sleep Longer, Digest Better, and Grow Stronger


• My Daddy Is a Pretzel: Yoga for Parents and Kids

Or if you think yoga is too new-agey, try baby massage. With a couple simple moves, baby's eyes will start drooping. I don't have any books to recommend because we just wing it, but search for "baby massage" and you'll find plenty of resources out there.

6. Teach baby what to do with her body. We know how to quiet our bodies before sleep, but babies need to learn that. You can start explaining this even to young babies. Though it may feel silly at first, you're teaching them the language too. In a soothing voice, tell baby to close her eyes, keep her legs still, keep her arms still, take a deep breath—whatever you can think of that would help her body relax.

7. Ensure sweet dreams. Before bed, ask baby what she wants to dream about. If she's not old enough to answer, give her a few ideas based on things she loves to do. For example, if like Abby she loves eating strawberries, suggest that she dream about going to a meadow, looking for wild strawberries, picking them, and eating them fresh. Describe concrete images, colors, and smells.

8. Make baby the parent. Get baby's favorite stuffed animal or doll and hand it to her. Explain that Mr. Bear is sleepy and wants to go to bed, but he needs help falling asleep. Ask her if she'll sing to him, pat his back, tuck him in—whatever she thinks will help. If she's not old enough to do this herself, you can put Mr. Bear to bed while she watches and narrate every step, explaining you're helping him to relax so he can get rest and have the energy he needs to play tomorrow. Role-playing is a trick we first heard about in Playful Parenting, and it's helped us clear several parenting hurdles.

9. Plan ahead. Tell baby what to do when she wakes up in the middle of the night. If she's old enough to sleep with her favorite stuffed animal or doll, you could suggest this: "Tonight, if you wake up and it's still dark outside, ask Mr. Bear if he will snuggle with you and help you fall back asleep." Or pick something else she could try on her own to soothe herself back to sleep.

10. Read in the dark. Some nights, Abby wants a second bedtime story. Then a third, a fourth, and before we know it we've spent a full hour reading and she's gotten her second wind. So set a limit on the number of books you'll read, then switch off the light and start an audio book. If you haven't listened to audio books together, start by getting one of baby's favorite books on CD. Make sure it's a nice, calming bedtime story.

When Baby Wakes Up

11. Make the rounds. Pick baby up and walk her around the house until she calms down. In a soft voice, point out that it's dark outside, all the lights are off, big brother/sister is sleeping, your friend across the street is sleeping, the pets are sleeping—anything that will reinforce that it's bedtime and no one else is up having fun.

12. Take a walk. We've had to do this a handful of times when nothing else worked. Put baby in the stroller and just go. The fresh air and dark night should eventually lull her back to sleep.

Bonus Tip!

I've got one more for you, but I didn't want to have "13" in the title of this post, lest it bring me bad sleeping luck. This tip comes from my friend Lacy, who has a blog of her own called Hybrid Cars & Cottages.

12.5. Build a playlist. Music might soothe your sleepless beast of a baby. Put together a playlist of soothing music and play it during your bedtime routine. Abby likes Jack Johnson and Ingrid Michaelson. Lacy's twin boys like to chill out to Jewel's Lullaby album.

Especially with young babies, try to steer clear of classical music and jazz, as they tend to be complex and stimulating to babies. Pick simple and repetitive music, like lullabies. If you're lucky, you might be able to find a lullaby rendition of a favorite artist in the Rockabye Baby! series. (But Metallica? Really?)

Your Turn

What's worked for you when your kid is waking up in the middle of the night? Add a comment below so the rest of us can benefit from your experience!

Photos by biblicone, dericafox, Jessica Wait, and Vermin Inc.

Today, You Will Encounter Controversy...in Bed

Ever since I brought up the sleepless quagmire of parenting, an elephant in the corner has been politely clearing his throat. Hem hem, says the elephant. Cryitout. Hem, hem.

Before we get any further, I know I'm probably going to hurt some feelings. Maybe even piss some people off. That is not my intention. I just want to share my world view on the whole "cry it out" issue. A world view that is just as valid as your world view. As much as I love to be right as a general rule, becoming a mother taught me early on that as long as parenting comes from a place of love and respect for the child, there is no wrong or right. We are all just doing the best we know how.

Onto the Controversy!

First, let's sync up on terminology.

My definition of "cry it out" is this: When the baby cries, the parent leaves the child alone and does not respond in any way.

Some people also use "cry it out" as a blanket label to describe the Ferber method or the Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, among others. However, it is possible to apply those particular methods with success without leaving your baby alone to "cry it out." Full disclosure: Most of those techniques haven't felt like a good fit for us or for Abby, but I know plenty of families who have been happy with their results using those techniques.

So if they work, why haven't we used these behavior modification techniques?

We didn't want to make you feel bad, but since you asked: It's because Abby has been sleeping 14 uninterrupted hours a night since she was two days old.

Really?!?

Have you seen the twin Grand Canyons under my eyes? Abby's not the best sleeper, even when she's not coping with teething, sickness, or growth spurts. Part of that is due to our being clueless first-time parents, but we're learning. For example, it wasn't that many months ago when we still didn't have a consistent bedtime routine for her.

But back to "cry it out" and why we haven't tried it with Abby. Here are the facts as I understand them from reading several books and magazine articles on the subject:

• When a baby is in a stressful situation such as crying without being responded to by a caregiver, her system is flooded with the stress hormone cortisol.


• During a cortisol overload, her brain is not learning new skills, such as the skill to "self-soothe."


• Side note: The part of the brain that helps with self-soothing isn't well developed until the age of 2.5 to 3 years.


• When the baby does eventually stop crying without any caregiver attention, it's because she's tired herself out. Her system can't handle the stress anymore.

We've all cried ourselves to sleep before—except my macho husband of course. We know what this feels like. While you were crying yourself to sleep, did you pick up any new skills?

Here is what I believe, based on the reading I've done: Applied to the extreme, what the "cry it out" method teaches a baby is not the skill of soothing herself to sleep. What it teaches her is that when she is stressed about falling asleep, her caregiver will not help her cope with that stress.

Babies needs help learning how to fall asleep, just like anything else. Why are we so averse to teaching them this particular skill? It would be like if while teaching our babies to use the potty, we duct-taped their asses to the toilet, said "Figure it out," and shut the bathroom door to leave them to work it out.

The Bottom Line?

You don't have to choose between leaving your baby to cry it out and getting up every two hours to shush her back to sleep. That's what's called a sucker's choice, and it's a crock of elephant poo. How ridiculous would it be if you were struggling to eat healthier and lose weight, and someone said to you: "Well, you can keep stuffing your face at every opportunity, or you're going to have to stop eating altogether. Your choice."

If you want to teach your baby the new skill of how to soothe herself to sleep, the book The No-Cry Sleep Solution is an excellent, easy-to-read resource.

But don't forget to come back here tomorrow when I post 12 concrete, practical tips anyone can use to cope with baby's night wakings. Because I don't care how good a sleeper your baby is. She will get sick, she will get teeth, and she will have growth spurts. And on those nights, you'll need all the help you can get.

Photos by Murilo Grafics, splityarn, and BreckenPool.

The Greatest Lie in Parenting

The first dirty little secret of parenting is that a full-term pregnancy is TEN months, not nine. I remember when I found out. I was a giddy prospective parent, reading the first of many pregnancy books, even before we were ready to start down the parenting road. I came across the phrase "40 weeks." I did the math in my head. It was like finding out Mexican Martinis are made with O'Douls.

That lie was just the first of many we've come to uncover. But the biggest, by far, has been all the "sleep through the night" business.

Liar, Liar, Sleepless Quagmire

The medical definition of a baby who sleeps through the night is sleeping five uninterrupted hours. Since when is sleeping from 8:00 pm to 1:00 am "through the night"? C'mon, medical community! How much harder would it be for all you nurses and pediatricians to switch to asking if our little ones are "sleeping five hours straight"? It's the same number of words, way more specific, and would make us poor sleepless schleps feel less of a failure.

But it would be unfair of me to blame just the medical folk. Our fellow parents propagate this one too. You know the parents who say their sweet little angels have been sleeping all night, every night—without waking up once—since the age of 2 months? I think they're probably lying to us. Could be they have very selective memories, or they drink to forget.

Either way, we don't have to like them very much.

To be fair, though, when I've swallowed my pride enough to probe for more information when talking to one of these parents, I find out to them, the nights of dealing with sickness and teething don't count. Kind of like having sweets during the holidays isn't really cheating on your diet.

And don't forget the growth spurts! During these most magical of times when your baby's brain doubles in size and years are shaved off your life due to lack of sleep, charming junior will all but sit back and laugh as you desperately cling to the life preserver of your trusty bedtime routine. Think I'm kidding? This is 16-month-old Abby awake at 3 in the morning.

Your Turn: Did you go into parenthood knowing the truth about a typical baby's sleeping habits? Or, like us, did you think after a few hard months at the beginning, you'd start getting a full night's sleep every night thereafter?

More Where That Came From

Tomorrow, check back for part 2 of 3 in this Sleepless Quagmire series. I'm probably going to piss off a lot of people. It will be pretty awesome.

But to make up for my insensitivity, the final post in this series will include 12 concrete, practical tips anyone can use to cope with baby's night wakings. Stay tuned!

Photos by Evil Erin and me.

How My Morning Went

Erik runs to work early on Wednesday mornings, so we don't see him at all in the morning. Our nanny used to come on Wednesday mornings, so she would help take care of Abby so I could finish getting ready for work.

But this week, Abby started preschool full-time. That meant that this morning, it was just me and Abby.

I took mental stock of the morning as it progressed so you could see how very talented I am as a mother.

• 1 baby nursing from dawn until 8 am


• 1 tired mama walking out into the living room with 1 happy baby on her hip


• 1 dog found sleeping on the couch


• 1 dog yelled at and put outside


• 1 diaper pooped in while dog was put outside


• 1 diaper changed


• 1 mama feeling guilty about dog being outside in the cold


• 1 dog brought back inside




• 2 bowls of oatmeal made, 1 for mama and 1 for baby


• 2 bowls of oatmeal eaten


• 1 diaper pooped in while eating oatmeal


• 1 diaper changed




• 1 baby still hungry


• 0.5 banana eaten by baby


• 0.5 banana handed from baby's hand to dogs' mouths


• 1 mama deciding she doesn't have time to care about germs this morning


• 1 dog disappearing from the banana-eating area


• 1 dog returning to the banana-eating area and depositing a mouthful of cat poop at 1 mama's feet


• 1 dog yelled at and put outside




• 1 shower for mama while 1 baby played with mama's make-up


• 1 diaper pooped in while mama showered


• 1 diaper changed


• 1 baby still hungry


• 10 spirulina cookies eaten (approximate)




• 1 baby nursing before it was time to leave for school


• 1 baby wanting more even after milk source is depleted


• 1 mama distracting 1 baby by talking about Baby Bear and Mama Bear and Jayden (the baby doll)


• 1 mama dressing 1 baby while baby squirmed and twisted


• 1 mama brushing 1 baby's teeth while baby squirmed and twisted and clamped her mouth shut


• 1 mama picking up 3 bags and putting bags on her shoulder: 1 mama lunch, 1 mama laptop bag, 1 baby lunch (and thankful that 1 daddy already made baby's lunch!)


• 1 mama and 1 baby ready to leave the house...victory!




• 1 mama opening the front door and holding 1 baby's hand at the threshold to help her step down


• 1 baby deciding she wanted to bring a book in the car


• 1 mama shutting the door and getting the book


• 1 mama and 1 baby ready to leave the house again


• 1 mama opening the front door


• 1 baby deciding she wanted to bring Baby Bear


• 1 mama shutting the door and getting the Baby Bear


• 1 mama and 1 baby ready to leave the house


• 1 mama opening the front door


• 1 mama and 1 baby in the car at 10:14 am, 1 hour later than planned




• 1 baby arriving at school in the outside play area where baby's class was already gathered


• 1 mama spending 5 minutes to get baby engaged in playing with her friends at school


• 1 mama standing up and walking away to leave for work


• 1 baby realizing mama is no longer standing in front of her


• 1 baby crying for mama


• 1 teacher picking up 1 crying baby


• 1 mama leaving while 1 baby is still crying


• 1 mama feeling like a meanie


• 1 mama doing her make-up in car (only when stopped, of course)


• 1 mama arriving to work 9 minutes before her first meeting of the day

Photos by Pedro Moura Pinheiro, kona99, eggman, ntr23, and fikirbaz.

Birthday Traditions

Abby turns 1 on Monday. Every day, she seems a little more grown up. Like yesterday, she would not let me hold her cup for her. She insisted on holding it herself. A year ago, she couldn't even hold up her own head!

This weekend, we're having a party for her with a few friends. But what do you do at a 1-year-old's birthday party? Are there games to play? Do you all sit around and drink beer while she crawls around and around like she's training to be a whirling dervish?

Aside from the party, one tradition we want to try is writing a letter to Abby every year, sealing them up, then giving them to her when she's 18.

What birthday traditions do you have?

On Footy Pajamas

You've timed everything perfectly. She's fed, she's well rested, and she has a clean diaper on. You have just enough time to put on her socks and shoes before you have to leave and make it to your one Official Baby Enrichment Activity for the weekend—storytime at the local bookstore.

You sit down, plop her on your lap facing forward, and put her left sock on. But as you turn your attention to the right sock, she's already pulled off the left sock. Right sock in place, you turn back to the left sock, and she zeroes in on the right. Rinse, repeat, and lather yourself into a frenzy as the start of storytime passes and you're still trying to get your kid's damn socks on.

Abby has cold feet pretty much all the time. If we try to sneak socks on her feet after she's fallen asleep, she knows. When we wake up in the morning, the socks are gone and she's just lying there like an angel.

So we waited. And plotted. And waited some more. Finally, the weather in Austin got chilly enough to implement our wicked scheme to keep our child's feet warm at night—footy pajamas.

I picked up a super cute pair of red-and-white jammies at Whole Foods made by Under the Nile. Abby looked adorable in them, and her toes were warm. Success!

But here's the thing about footy pajamas, or at least footy pajamas with my kid. Abby still soaks at least one diaper by 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. That means the footy pajamas have to come off, the diaper has to be changed, and the pajamas have to go back on, all while she cries and cries and cries her heart out.

This particular pair of pajamas has snaps from the middle of one knee all the way up to the neck. Do you have any idea how hard it is to redo forty-two freaking snaps at 2:00 in the morning in the dark while your baby is crying buckets and you're barely awake?

So here's my parenting tip of the day: When in the market for footy pajamas, steer clear of snaps. The zipper is a wonderful invention.

We found some cute, organic, zippered footy pajamas made by Green Babies that are working out much better. They're a little on the pricey side, although footypajamas.com is having a sale. We figured if we couldn't invest in a completely organic wardrobe for Abby, we could at least spend $30 on a pair of organic pajamas since she spends 12 hours of every day in pajamas.

While I'll take these zipper pajamas over snap pajamas any day, it's not the most ideal solution because we still have to unzip, take both legs out, change the diaper, put both legs back in, then zip back up. There's gotta be a better way.

To all the parents out there: Do you have an anti-sock child? And if so, what do you do to keep their feet warm at night?

2008 Books in Review

This year, I read almost as many books as the previous 2 years combined. 70 was the grand total for the year. (Who knew having a kid would give me more reading time?)

I'm always looking for book recommendations, so tell me: What were your favorite books last year?

Okay, okay. I'll go first. My two favorites of the year also make it to my all-time favorites list, so I would highly recommend them to anyone and everyone:

• Nonfiction: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life
• Fiction: The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

And there are a few more I'd recommend to specific folks...

For the Kids (or Kids at Heart)

• Feathers
  
• Flush
  
• Olive's Ocean
  
• The Penderwicks on Gardam Street (start with The Penderwicks)
  
• The Tales of Beedle the Bard
  
• Theodosia and the Serpents of Chaos
  
• The Underneath

For the Teens

• The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks
  
• Rebel Angels and The Sweet Far Thing (start with A Great and Terrible Beauty)

And go ahead and read the Twilight series. It's not the best stuff in the world, but it's fun as hell.

For the Aspiring Writers

• How to Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead: Your Words in Print and Your Name in Lights
  
• No Plot? No Problem! A Low-Stress, High-Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days
  
• Writer Mama: How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids

For the Expecting or New Parents
Yes, I know you're tired and/or have a lot to do. But these are all worth it, I promise.

• Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love
  
• Baby Signs: How to Talk with Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk
  
• The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative
  
• Good Nights: The Happy Parents' Guide to the Family Bed (and a Peaceful Night's Sleep!)
  
• The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer
  
• Nursing Mother, Working Mother
  
• The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child

For the Other Parents

• Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
  
• Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family

Finally, Some 2008 Stats
I tend to read a novel or two in between every nonfiction book, so these numbers make sense:
Fiction: 66%
Nonfiction: 34%

And here's the breakdown within the fiction category:
Adult fiction: 13%
YA or kids' fiction: 87%

A Well-Crafted Compliment

We're in Oregon for the holidays, and tonight we had dinner at Standing Stone Brewing Co so Erik could sample their craft brews.

Before the food came to the table, Erik was holding Abby and walking her around the restaurant. He walked right by a woman at the bar who was staring at Abby.

"Oh my God, look at those eyes," she said.

Erik stopped walking so the woman could get a better look at Abby.

"That is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen."

"Oh, thank you," Erik said.

You'd think calling someone's baby the most beautiful baby you've ever seen would be the compliment to end all compliments, but the woman continued.

"She makes me want to stop taking my birth control."

Her boyfriend sitting next to her didn't look too happy.

Review: Waiting for Birdy

Title: Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family
Author: Catherine Newman
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: Memoir of a mom who is pregnant with her second child.

Review: Hi-LAR-ious! I don't often laugh out loud when reading, but this book had me chuckling and giggling at every turn.

I knew this was going to be my kind of book when I got to this part on page 11:

"I once sat up late with a friend, enjoying a shot or two of Jagermeister and imagining a special line of Hallmark cards called 'Womanly Thoughts' or, maybe, 'Gynecological Moments.' These would be designed around moody little watercolors of women with their feet in stirrups, women skulking around ovulation kits at the supermarket, and greetings like 'Sorry to hear about your ovarian cyst. / If I had one, I'd be really pissed.'"

The author tells it like it is, and no topic is taboo. While on the whole it's a very funny account of her life raising a toddler while being pregnant, the author also addresses more serious issues. For example, she talks about losing her patience and then temper with her son Ben and how she feels horrible afterward.

My favorite take-away from the book is that it reminds you to try to live in the moment even when that moment seems unbearable. The author's mantra is "This, Now." I find myself reciting that mantra when I'm bouncing Abby on the exercise ball for the third time after trying to put her down for a nap unsuccessfully two times already. Because one day, she's not going to need me to help her fall asleep, and I'm sure I'm going to miss these days looking back.

The only part I didn't love about this book was frequent assurances from the author that she wasn't kidding before she shared a particularly funny or outrageous tidbit. When someone is constantly saying that they're not kidding, it makes me wonder if all the other things they're saying but not prefacing with "I'm not kidding" are true or not.

So I could have done without that quirk, but I still loved, loved, LOVED this book!

Review: Unconditional Parenting

Title: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Author: Alfie Kohn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: The author explores research on the effectiveness of parenting based on rewards and punishments.

Review: The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.

This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?" The author would dance around alternatives, but he kept referencing Chapter 7 as where he'd be presenting them in detail—which was over halfway through the book.

In the end, I'm not sure if I would have been ready to accept the ideas in that chapter had I not gone through the painful process of being challenged again and again and again in the first part of the book. Maybe the author has to break down a few walls before he can help you start to build up something completely different in their place.

Here are just a handful of the reasons why punishment doesn't work, according to the research covered in this book:

• Punishment makes people mad. I can recall with great clarity the times I was being punished for something that I had done, and I guarantee you I wasn't "reflecting" on my actions. I was getting even more pissed off at whomever was punishing me, and my actions were the furthest thing from my mind.
• Punishment models the use of power. Do we really want to teach our kids that might makes right? As adults, will it be healthy for them to exploit their power over their fellow humans?
• Punishment makes kids more self-centered. If I hit Susie, I'll have to sit in timeout and miss the rest of recess. Notice that I'm thinking about what will happen to me, not how Susie will feel.

What about rewards? If punishing non-compliance isn't effective, what about rewarding compliance?

"...rewards are remarkably ineffective at improving the quality of people's work or learning. A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike are less successful at many tasks when they're offered a reward for doing them—or for doing them well."

Or worse, rewards can undermine the very behavior you're trying to encourage:

"...when there's no longer a goody to be gained, [kids are] less likely to help than are kids who weren't given a reward in the first place. They're also less likely to help than they themselves used to be. After all, they've learned that the point of coming to someone's aid is just to get a reward."

These are just a few of the points from the book, but I know what you're thinking right now: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?"

Or maybe: "Haha, your kid is going to walk all over you! Sucker!"

To the latter, I say: You could very well be right. But this book resonated with me on a much deeper level than the parenting practices I saw growing up or continue to see on Supernanny. What do you think that kid on the naughty step is thinking about? About how what they did was wrong and they'll never do it again? Or about how Mom is so unfair...or...next time she's not going to catch me...or...I'm going to hit little brother for tattling on me?

Certainly you can remember a time when you were in timeout as a kid. Maybe you were a perfect kid and sat quietly reflecting on your misbehavior and how you will never, ever do that again. But me? Not so much. I sat there thinking of ways to blame someone else. I sat there steaming about the person who was punishing me. I sat there making plans to not talk to anyone for the rest of the day to show how mad I was.

So what if instead when you did something wrong, your parents sat down with you and asked you what happened? What if they had helped you explore why you did what you did? What if they encouraged you to think of other ways you could have expressed your emotions?

Kids are smart. They have good ideas for how to solve problems, including their own. You just need to give them a chance and support the process with your loving guidance.

Do I think that this style of parenting will mean Abby won't ever misbehave or have a tantrum or annoy the crap out of me sometimes? No, not at all. She'll still do all those things, but what will be different is how I react to her.

Kids see rewards as approval and love, and they see punishments as a withdrawal of that approval and love. So on a basic level, will my actions teach Abby that I love her only when she behaves in the exact way that I want her to? Do I really want to raise a daughter who is blindly compliant with whomever has more power than her? (Even if I did want a compliant daughter, research shows that rewards and punishment aren't effective in getting that.)

No. I want to teach Abby that I love her always, not just because she does what I want her to. I want a daughter who can make smart decisions for herself, not just do what the person with more power is telling her to do.

If any of this is resonating with you and if you're wondering what could possibly replace rewards and punishments, I would suggest that you read the book yourself. There's no easy formula for parenting without rewards and punishments, and this book will help you explore what that style of parenting will be for you and your family.

Review: Baby Signs

Title: Baby Signs: How to Talk with Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk
Author: Linda Acredolo, Susan Goodwyn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: Two child development experts explain how you can teach your baby sign language. Baby sign language helps babies express their needs and emotions before they can talk, resulting in fewer tantrums and a stronger relationship with their parents.

Review: This book provides a more robust introduction to baby sign language than a book I previously reviewed on this topic, Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants before They Can Speak.

I especially appreciated the easy-to-digest "Ten Steps to Success" in this book:

1. Start with just a few signs


2. Always use the baby sign and word together


3. Repeat the sign and word several times


4. Point to the object when possible


5. When necessary, gently guide your child's hands in making the sign


6. Make baby signing a regular part of your day


7. Watch for opportunities to model the signs


8. Be flexible and watch for your baby's own sign creations


9. Be patient!


10. Remember, make learning fun

However, the sign illustrations were much clearer and more detailed in Sign with Your Baby. But I'm finding the Baby Hands Productions video dictionary of signs more helpful than illustrations anyway.

One part of Baby Signs did not sit well with me, but it's just one paragraph out of the whole book. The authors recommend the "Baby Signs Video for Babies" as a way to teach babies more signs, then go on to say (emphasis mine):

"Of course, extensive video watching by very young children is not a good idea. However, chosen carefully, videos produced specifically for babies and toddlers can be beneficial."

But they don't reference any research to support this claim. I've never come across any research indicating that TV watching by babies and toddlers has any lasting positive effects. In fact, I read the opposite in Endangered Minds: Why Children Don't Think And What We Can Do About It—research quoted there suggests TV watching before a child learns to read teaches them passive learning habits that can be detrimental in all their future learning experiences.

The authors are generally diligent about referencing research to support their claims, but here I think they could have done a much better job. (The cynical side of me thinks they might have vagued up the supporting arguments because they have a video they're trying to sell.)

But that is just one paragraph out of the whole book, so I probably just need to let it go! This book is clear and well-written, and I just ordered a copy to own from PaperBackSwap.

Review: Baby Minds

Title: Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love
Author: Linda Acredolo, Susan Goodwyn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 5/5
Summary: Two professors of psychology summarize research about how babies' minds develop, then suggest ways of incorporating brain-building games into your baby's life.

Review: This book is similar to another book I read this year: What's Going on in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life.

Although I enjoyed What's Going on in There?, I loved Baby Minds because it focused more on what you can do to help your baby's brain grow. And not in a baby-flashcards sort of way, either. The games they suggest are fun and easy to incorporate into your routine. For example, they recommend modeling some pretend play starting at around 6 months to foster creativity. So we've instituted a 3:00 Puppet Show in our house. Abby loves it of course, but so do I! 3:00 is about the time I start counting down the minutes til Erik gets home from work so it takes my mind off the clock for a bit.

I also preferred how this book summarized the relevant research studies in an accessible way. The research they highlighted made me that much more motivated to try the corresponding games. And this book was much lighter on the biological details of development, which I didn't mind at all considering those were the parts of What's Going on in There? I found myself skimming.

Both books had needed reminders to parents that there's no way to be a "perfect parent." The message in Baby Minds is: Just do what works for you, and don't stress out if you're not doing every single game they recommend because every single game won't work for everyone.

This book also has a handy list of all the games at the back, which I find myself using a lot lately. On the weekdays when I'm at home with Abby all day, I use up all my tricks by the early afternoon—we read books, we take a walk, we have a tickle fest, I feed her solid food. Then I'm bored and she's bored, and that's not good. So the list at the back is helpful for jogging my memory about other things we can do together that will be fun for both of us. In fact, that's exactly how the 3:00 Puppet Show came into existence!

Review: Sign with Your Baby

Title: Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants before They Can Speak
Author: Joseph Garcia
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3/5
Summary: Researcher Joseph Garcia reviews the fundamentals of communicating with your baby using a sign language based on American Sign Language (ASL).

Review: I chose to read this instead of Baby Signs because I figured as long as we're teaching Abby a second language, it might as well be an actual language (American Sign Language) that she can use later on in life too.

A major benefit of this book is that the text to read is less than 50 pages, and that's nothing to shake a stick at when you're a parent with little uninterrupted reading time. The rest of the book is a glossary of signs. However, I have decided to read Baby Signs after all, even though we still plan to use the signs from Dr. Garcia's book.

There are a couple reasons for my change of heart. I started reading Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love, which is by the same authors of Baby Signs. I really appreciated how the authors did a great job of backing up every major point with specific research studies. In Sign with Your Baby, the emphasis is more on anecdotes from parents and Dr. Garcia's own experience.

Because I was reading both books at the same time, I also found myself preferring the writing style of Baby Minds to Dr. Garcia's writing style. There's nothing wrong with it per se—I just thought the Baby Minds authors were a little more engaging and professional. (The book design might be playing into this impression too, as Sign with Your Baby doesn't exactly have a slick book design.)

But what really sealed the deal for me is that in his book, Dr. Garcia actually mentions and recommends Baby Signs. So that made me realize I didn't have to go with one or the other but that I could learn from both. Duh, Kelly.

July Photos Posted

On the docket this month: teeth, elimination communication, and accessories.

But this girl takes accessorizing seriously. You'll see Abby wearing an amber teething necklace in most of the photos. When worn against the skin, the amber heats up and releases minuscule amounts of resin that supposedly has healing properties. Yes, we are hippies. But we figure it can't hurt, and she seems to have less teething-related pain while wearing it.

 

Review: The Diaper-Free Baby

Title: The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative
Author: Christine Gross-Loh
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3.5/5
Summary: A mother of two shares tools and information you can use to practice elimination communication (EC) with your children.

Review: Out of all the EC books out there, I chose to read this one because it sounded like a more laidback approach. It was, and I'm glad for that. My main hesitation to EC was the idea that I'd have to watch Abby like a hawk 24-7 to catch every elimination. So it was refreshing to read about examples of parents who successfully practice EC only some of the time. The book is organized by age of the child, so there's some repetition, but I didn't mind the reinforcement of the concepts. You could read just the part that applies to your child's age, which is a nice option to have.

If you're interested in EC, this book is a good place to start.

To Catch a Pee

I bought The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative before Abby was born, fully intending to read it before she arrived. That didn't happen.

Then right after she was born, I had lots of time to read during her 30- to 45-minute nursing sessions, but I was not in the mood to read about baby stuff. And what's more, the idea of practicing elimination communication (EC) just stressed me out. When I was learning so many new things in those first 3 months, I couldn't fathom adding something that wasn't absolutely necessary. So the book sat on the bookshelf.

The last few weeks, I've finally been feeling ready to read it. The clincher was some friends of ours with a 1-year-old telling me they'd like to us to try it out so they can live vicariously through us and hear how it goes. This week, I started reading the book.

The gist of EC is that babies do not inherently like to sit in their own waste. So you learn your baby's signals for when she's about to eliminate so you can take her to the toilet (or her own little potty), avoiding a situation where she's sitting in her own waste. And by learning to communicate with your baby about her elimination needs, you're creating a valuable foundation for potty-training later. In fact, many EC babies end up potty-trained earlier than other babies. And how much more "green" can you get than avoiding the cloth or disposable debate altogether?

Also, here's something I didn't know that I wish I had before Abby was born: Some parents practice EC 24-7, while others practice it occasionally. Some EC babies go without diapers entirely, some wear them only some of the time, while others still wear diapers all the time. I had this vision in my head that Abby would have to be diaper-free all day every day, and I would have to pay constant attention to her facial expressions so as not to get peed on. But it doesn't have to be like that.

The book says babies typically eliminate at certain times of the day—soon after waking from a nap, during or after a feeding, or soon after being taken out of a sling/wrap or car seat. So a couple days ago, I decided to see if Abby followed those patterns. Each time she woke up from a nap, I took her diaper off and laid her on a clean prefold diaper. And sure enough, she peed within 5-10 minutes of waking up. I removed the prefold and put on a clean diaper, and she didn't have to sit in her own pee for 2 hours before her next diaper change. I was hooked.

My next step was to see if I could get her to pee in the toilet. Yesterday after her morning nap, I took her diaper off and held her over the toilet. And my little 4-month-old daughter peed in the toilet! Then Erik tried later that day and she peed in the toilet again.

If only I had known it would be so easy, I wouldn't have been so overwhelmed with the idea right after she was born.

Now excuse me while I go print this post and get it laminated so it's handy for when Abby's first boyfriend comes to the house...

Review: What's Going on in There?

Title: What's Going on in There?: How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life
Author: Lise Eliot
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3.5/5
Summary: Neurobiologist Lise Eliot brings together insights from biology and cognitive psychology about how a child's mind develops.

Review: Just about every day as I was reading this book, I would read an interesting sentence or paragraph out loud to Erik. I found it fascinating, and before it goes back to the library I'm going to type up a few quotes to keep around for reference.

A few interesting things I learned:

• The flavor of your breast milk changes depending on what you eat.
  
• For optimal language development, it's important to have conversations with even young infants. You can do this with face-to-face contact and taking turns so your child gets to hear you speak but also gets a chance to practice herself. Even babies need to know that they are being addressed and that they are being heard.
  
• Sensitive parenting can improve a child's temperament. This means being aware of a baby's signals and responding promptly to her needs. And no matter how busy you are, they should feel that you are available and not ignoring them.
  
• Babies prefer novelty—new places, toys, experiences. It helps their brains grow.
  
• Daily infant massage improves a baby's motor skills development.

I like how the author structures each chapter—starting with the biology up front and then ending with how you can encourage that particular area of development, whether it's a sense, motor skills, social-emotional growth, memory, language, or intelligence. (I have to admit that I skipped over some of the biological details, and that structure made it easy for me to do that!)

The book did leave me with a few unanswered questions. For example, I wanted to know what impact baby sign language has on overall language development. And the author mentions that children in bilingual homes start talking later, but she didn't talk about the optimal age for starting to introduce a second language.

But I would highly recommend this book to any parent interested in how their child's mind is developing.

Rethinking Discipline

Erik and I talk a lot about how we love Abby so incredibly much that it's going to be hard to discipline her when the day comes. We don't plan to use physical violence—spanking, hitting, slapping—in any way. But I'm not a huge fan of timeouts either. I can't see myself using timeouts on a regular basis, although I could see using them for certain situations.

I wasn't confident in my instincts about timeouts until I starting reading Playful Parenting. Here's a small part of what the child psychologist author has to say on timeouts:

Timeouts were supposed to be a humane alternative to whacking children, but they have somehow become the ultimate "positive parenting" tool. The main problem with timeouts is that they reinforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected.

Also:

I see most "misbehavior" as really just a matter of disconnection. Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection...Reconnecting might require a hug, some quiet time together, wrestling or running around outside, a snack, or a talk. For more serious disruptions, I recommend what I call the meeting on the couch. Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness. Meetings on the couch build connection and empower children. At the same time, they give us an effective way to provide real discipline: the teaching of our values and principles.

These ideas ring true to me—they feel right in my heart. But even after rereading the words now, I have this knee-jerk reaction to thinking about discipline in this way, and flashes of Supernanny invade my brain. It's hard to ignore the most prevalent form of discipline you see in the media and from fellow parents.

So this morning when I ran across an article about discipline tactics that are most effective, I was reminded of Playful Parenting. A quote from the article:

After all, it's not supposed to be about payback, though that's often what's going on, says Jamila Reid, codirector of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington. The clinic's "The Incredible Years" program has been found in seven studies to improve children's behavior. "Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word discipline means 'teach.' It's something to teach a child that there's a better way to respond."

It'll be a while yet before we can put those tactics to the test ourselves, so I'm curious to hear from other parents about this topic. What are your thoughts on discipline? Have you tried tactics like those in the article? What has worked, and what hasn't?

First Belly Laugh

Last night, I went to a talk by Whole Foods CEO John Mackey, and Mackey talked about the concept of Conscious Capitalism. According to him, a conscious business does two fundamental things:

• Stays true to the business's deeper purpose—that is, a purpose other than maximizing profits


• Maximizes the value to an interdependent system of stakeholders—employees, customers, suppliers, shareholders, community, environment, and so on

When I got home, Erik was holding Abby while I was relaying everything I'd just heard about, and Abby was watching me intently as I gesticulated. I was right in the middle of talking about the second bullet when Abby suddenly started laughing! This was no short little chuckle like we've heard from her up to this point—we're talking full-on belly laugh!

I stopped talking, and we just stared at her while she laughed for a good 30 seconds. I've got to admit that at first I thought my child was possessed. It took a few seconds before I realized what was going on, but once I did, my single most important goal in life suddenly became to make her do that again and again. I tried saying "interdependent system of stakeholders" again, we smiled, we laughed, and we made funny noises—but no dice.

Now that I know we're not dealing with a demonic possession, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Abby's belly laugh is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

New Duds for Abby

Abby has now grown out of most of the used clothes we've gotten from friends. We know reusing is best, and consignment shops have tons of onesies in her size. But with her big cloth diaper butt, we can rarely snap them at the bottom. So we've been looking for some cute baby t-shirts.

An artist named Will Heron has a booth at the Austin Farmer's Market where he sells t-shirts with his designs—like the one on the right. He has a great collection of baby clothes, but in Abby's size, they're all onesies.

The last time we were at the farmer's market, I noticed that he uses American Apparel shirts. This weekend, I went to their site and saw that they make a t-shirt in Abby's size too. So I emailed Will Heron and asked if he'd be willing to order those shirts from American Apparel and put a few of his designs on them for us.

He wrote back yesterday to say he included the shirts in his weekly order from American Apparel, and we should be getting everything in about 3-4 weeks. So very soon, Abby will be sporting American-made baby t-shirts with a local artist's designs. Woohoo!

Baby's First Farmer's Market

Every New Year's Eve, Erik and I cook a nice early dinner (because we're lame and never have exciting NYE plans), and we sit down to eat with two sheets of paper. On the first sheet, we list all our accomplishments from that year. Everything from "We switched to cloth produce bags" to "Erik brewed 31 beers" to "Mae won the dog division of Run for the Rovers for the second year in a row." Okay, technically that accomplishment belongs to one of our dogs, not us, but it's not like she's going to make her own list of accomplishments—so we get bragging rights.

On the second sheet of paper, we write down our goals for the next year. Not resolutions. These are goals, which we can start any time during the year. As opposed to resolutions, which if you don't do them every day of the year starting with the first day, you are A Big Fat Failure. So one of our goals for 2008 was to start going to a farmer's market at least once a month. Because even besides the fact that local food has to travel less distance to get to you so you're helping to save a bunch of fuel or even the fact that shopping there supports small family farms, The Sticky Toffee Pudding Company has a booth at the main Austin Farmer's Market, and in said booth they sell scones and other amazing deliciousness.

So yesterday, we made our first trip of 2008 to the farmer's market, which also happened to be Abby's first farmer's market trip ever. She did great in her Zolowear sling until she puked all over herself. But then she was happy to be out of the sling and taking it all in. There was another baby there her age—a little boy—but Abby was way cuter. Even his mom said that girls are so much cuter than boys.

The farmer who sold us some eggs even helped us fully immerse Abby in her farmer's market experience:

 

Note to Self

Avoid brownies and ice cream smothered in caramel sauce in the half hour before you want to nurse the baby one last time and put her to bed for the night. Because not even a 15-minute dance to baby's usual favorite, Jack Johnson, or a midnight walk in the Moby will put baby to sleep for good. Baby will enter an ever-so-light sleep state, lulling mother into a false sense of accomplishment and relief, only to wake up the moment mother sets baby in the bed. And especially avoid said situation when husband has had three beers that evening and thus is dead to the world.

Ban BPA

Finally, a U.S. health agency admitted that bisphenol-A (BPA) might cause cancer and other scary health problems like birth defects, fertility problems, and obesity. BPA is a chemical found in common products like most #7 plastics and the lining of most canned foods and baby formula. In other heartening news, Canada plans to ban baby bottles that contain BPA, and water bottle manufacturer Nalgene is starting a new BPA-free line of water bottles.

But until the U.S. and more product manufacturers do what's right and ban BPA, you can take some easy steps to protect yourself and your family. (I compiled this list of tips from several sources, such as CHEC, EWG, and The Green Guide.)

• Avoid type #7 (PC) plastics when buying food and drink containers, toys, and so on. For water bottles, look for metal bottles that are not lined with a plastic coating. Klean Kanteen and SIGG are popular brands. For baby bottles, Born Free and thinkbaby are BPA-free brands.


• Buy fresh or frozen produce instead of canned items. If you must buy canned items, avoid buying acidic foods like tomatoes—acidic foods can cause the BPA in the lining to leach into the food more.


• Children are very susceptible to this chemical, so avoid canned formula. Breastfeed if you can, or look for other non-canned alternatives.


• Don't microwave plastics, wash them in the dishwasher, or place hot food or liquid in them—doing so causes the plastic to degrade and leach chemicals into their contents. (If you use plastic tupperware, consider replacing them with glass storage containers such as Pyrex.)

And here's an easy way to ask baby bottle manufacturers to get rid of BPA.

Moby-licious

I know every baby is different, but I will be recommending the Moby wrap to every expectant parent I meet from now on. It's the only baby carrier that Abby will tolerate being in while I'm sitting. She likes our Zolowear ring sling if I'm walking. (And not just puttering around the house either—going on an actual walk outside.)

But I tried a new wrap with the Moby this weekend—the hug hold. She was fine while I was walking around the house, so I decided to put it to the real test and sit down at the computer to work on our never-been-this-close-to-the-wire-before taxes. And OMG. She stayed asleep while I was completely still. I feel like I could conquer the world with this new sense of freedom. Plus, she's just super cute with her little legs dangling out the front.